A Crisis Of Confidence

I went out to dinner the other night for my work Christmas party. The group consisted of mainly the younger teaching staff of the performing arts college at which I teach. For some reason we ended up discussing my research inquiry and the conversation got extremely heated. Everyone at the table was arguing the importance of giving the students a versatile training, except for me. I was suggesting that a more specialised training might be more appropriate for some students who don't have a natural ability in a certain discipline. I was really trying to get my point across and to say that my inquiry did support my suggestion. Unfortunately I was shouted down and made to feel quite small and stupid to even suggest something that went so wholeheartedly against the way they felt.

I left the party feeling really despondent and really questioning the validity of my opinion. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't just my opinion but the analysis of my results, but then that made me question whether I had interpreted the data fairly and properly. I had a complete crisis of confidence, something which doesn't happen to me that often.

One of the things which affected me most was the suggestion from one of the teachers that by denying the student a versatile training I would be depriving them for my own end. My intention was only ever to discover what was best for the student. What would enable every student to achieve the most they could possibly achieve in the work place. The suggestion that I was trying to do anything else really upset me.

It has now been a few days since the incident and I have had time to step back and look at it calmly. I wanted to try and find the positives in what had happened because I considered that even within a situation like this there is still the opportunity to learn from the opinions of other professionals.

One of the main positives is that people were so passionate about the subject I have based my inquiry on. This is not only good news for me because it clearly means it is important but it is also good for the students because it means that their teachers really care about the level of training they are receiving. We may not agree on everything but we do agree that the students deserve the best training available.

Another positive is that I realised something new. My colleagues made an extremely interesting point when defending versatile training. They said that it is not just the responsibility of a college like ours to look after the interests of the students but also the interests of the industry. In other words they think that  you should train your students towards the ideal because this will enable the continuing growth of the industry. The ideal in musical theatre is for people to act sing and dance to a high standard so that is what we need our students to aspire to.

I still don't know whether I agree with this, it seems to me that this could be a conflict of interests, but I also don't know whether I disagree with it. What the evening reminded me to do was to keep listening. My inquiry might be finished but my professional practice isn't. The skills we have learnt on this course can be used again and again and again as long as we remember to carry on questioning and carry on listening.

So my crisis of confidence is over for now, not because I am sure I am right, but because I have remembered that it is ok to be wrong because everything we are doing is a constantly changing, constantly adapting work in progress.