After the audition I decided to use my journal to reflect on how I thought the audition had gone and how it could have improved. Here is an extract from the journal;
'My initial performance of the material was really forced, it became all about the voice (probably because it was extremely challenging to maintain) and not about the character at all. The director looked at me like I was completely insane and then directed me on how he wanted the material. He wanted me to do much less. To be more real. I tried to do this but when you're pretending to be a squeaky voiced wooden puppet finding the truth can be difficult. I felt like he gave me an unimpressed look after I tried the material again and then seemed to be quite dismissive. I think I blew it.' (Iles, 2010)As you can see I didn't think the audition had gone at all well. My reflection concentrated on how bad the audition went and how I hadn't managed to achieve any of the things I had wanted to achieve from the process. I didn't feel I'd made a good impression, or shown them my talent and I certainly didn't feel I'd got the job.
So what's my point? Well the next day I received a phone call from my agent saying I have to go back in next week for another audition. Stunned silence on the end of the line (and then perhaps a swear word or two). Apparently the audition hadn't gone as badly as I had thought.
It was this realisation that started me on my current train of thought. If the audition went well enough for me to be recalled again then why was my reflection on it so negative? I decided it was all to do with my perception and this was informed by much more than the event itself. I perceived that the audition panel thought I was untalented, that I had failed to impress them and that the other people there on the day were much more talented and suitable for then job than me. These perceived truths were created not just from the audition but from a whole history of events and emotions. A history that includes rejection, feelings of inadequacy, missed opportunities and ultimate disappointment.
Although I tried to to be objective, my reflection of the event was clouded by my feelings and doubts. If I think back now there are many positives from the audition. I remembered all the material, I was able to talk in an informed way about the show because of all the research I had done, I attacked the material with energy, and I made a really good attempt to adapt my performance to incorporate the wishes of the director. All these things I am aware of now because finding out I have a recall has cleared the smoke from my eyes. If I sit down and write another journal entry reflecting on the audition (something I intend to do) I am positive it will look very different and be much more balanced.
I wonder what I have learned form this? I would love to be able to say that next time I would just be more objective. Sadly I don't know if that is possible. I think these things are always very difficult to see when you are in them. At the time I wrote the first journal I believed I was being objective. Perhaps if during my journal writing I made sure I answered a set list of questions. Ones that forced me to consider positive and negative aspects of the event? Questions similar to the frameworks of Reid and Moon (I will get around to that task).
In the reflection reader Adesola (Akinleye, 2010) describes critical thinking as 'unpicking the layers of understanding and meaning behind an idea'. She goes on to talk about why she thinks 'dancers learn kinaesthetically' and she concludes that the idea for her is informed by her feelings towards herself. By critically thinking about an idea she got to the bottom of why she thought what she thought. I think this is such a good tool to cultivate. It may not change how you feel or what you think (or it may completely change it) but it will give your idea context.
If in future the idea in my mind is "That audition went horribly, they must think I'm an untalented lunatic" then I should make a concerted effort to critically think and understand why I believe that to be true. To put it into the broader context of my own history and feelings. I think that is the only way to stop being disorientated by a skewed perception of events.
Thanks for the post Mark, interesting and informative as always! I can definately relate to this as I only ever remember the negative points and can usually only see the positives when they are pointed out by someone else. I think that most performers aren't objective as we usually judge ourselves too harshly. I think it would help us all if we were forced to look at the things we did well before the things we need to correct and work on.
ReplyDeleteWell done for getting another recall and good luck.
Great post Mark.
ReplyDeleteI think most performer's can relate to exactly what you are saying. Why do we always seem to focus on the thing's we thought did not go well?? Is it because we are constantly trying to better ourselves? Maybe because we are trying to learn and teach ourselves kinaesthetically...?
However what we don't think about is the way other people are seeing us. As you can tell from getting a another recall (congrats!!) The panel obviously saw great thing's that you probably didn't even think about until you sat down later and wrote your journal. The fact that the director gave you guidance and direction seems to me that he saw something that you were doing that he liked and wanted to see more. I think, personally, that the reason he might of wanted less and to be more "real" might have just have been to move your focus away from just the voice aspect and focusing on showing off your character skills. Sometimes we get so focused on just one part of our audition we forget about all the other things. Don't forget if you get the job, you will have time to work on the voice and people to help you discover the right way you maintain a "squeaky voiced wooden puppet"!!
You obviously did a great job and they saw something special!!! Congrats and good luck for the recall! =)
Could it be the case that when we are placed out of our comfort zones, we criticize ourselves more? When doing something new and unfamiliar we don't really have previous experiences to compare to and so have no anchor point of reference to assess our performance. For example Mark, performing a character piece in an audition as opposed to a Dance call may put you out of your comfort zone, creating your need for reassurance that you can in fact do this new thing, and do it well. New experiences can unsettle us as performers and heighten our sense of self-consciousness, thus skewing our reflective 'perception' in a negative way. Of course, there are always some people that get a huge thrill from the new and unknown, I don't happen to be in that category!
ReplyDeleteHi Mark, I have been meaning to comment on your blog for a while but have never seemed to get round to doing it. I have found all of your post really interesting and informative, this one in particular. I think a lot of people when reflecting on an event focus on the negative aspects of it because they believe that you will learn more from your mistakes then you do from the things that were successful. Which I think is true, I don’t think it would be a very effective and useful journal if you were only to say it was a great day, everything went well and I wouldn’t change a thing. I think by highlighting the things that you thought were not so successful, even though you found out that the audition went much better then you thought, will help you in your recall, improve on what you thought were your weaknesses and hopefully et the part. As practitioners we always have to think that we can improve, we can make improvements to a painting or a performance otherwise our work will become stinted. Don’t they say that you are your biggest critic? I know that that is the case with me. Hope the call back goes well, good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I find the whole audition process fascinating in a slightly terrifying way; this is possibly because despite my experience within performing arts the concept of an audition is fairly alien to me. The closest I have ever come to an audition was when I auditioned at the 'Gorden Craig Theatre' in Stevenage at the age of 13 for the part of a dancer, I have never had any dance training or experience so I have to admit the whole thing was a total disaster, however it did give me an slight insight into the audition process.
ReplyDeleteThinking about it now with my very limited experience and knowledge I have to say that I think that the psychology of the auditionee must play a massive part in how well an individual performs in an audition. For example just as you say, you straight away presumed your own failure after reading into different aspects of how the audition went, despite the fact that the audition was a success. This makes me believe that the mindset of the auditionee has the potential to heavily influence the performance given regardless of ‘talent’ or ‘skill’.